How to Never Lose Yourself Again

Do you hear yourself saying, ‘I don’t know who I am anymore?’

How long have you felt this way?

How has this affected your life, esteem and confidence?

I remember lying down one day in my bedroom, staring up at the ceiling and realising I was just about to turn 30 and had no idea what my favourite things were anymore. That over the years, I had hidden away within relationships, always putting others ahead of myself. Appeasing and pleasing to their needs, their wishes, their choices.

I scrolled down through my Spotify playlist and realised every section over time was a collection of songs preferred by the partner I was with at the time. I thought to myself, ‘Where are all the Divas?’

Of course, none of my previous partners enjoyed the greats; Mariah, Whitney or Celine.

How did I get here?

When we are children we attach our worth, identity and feelings of security to our caregivers. This is a natural phase of human and social development, however, we are meant to be taught how to develop our own personal styles as individuals.

This is very hard if you’re being raised by a caregiver who was not shown how to do this for themselves, therefore, their identity and feelings of worth are attached to you — the child.

Generational Trauma. This creates an unhealthy and often toxic relationship where you have no choice for your safety, but to appease and please your caregiver in order to feel and receive the love you so truly deserve.

How many times in your childhood did you try to show your own unique style and preference, but quickly get ostracised for doing so?

An example I recall, was being ignored for two whole weeks because I spoke up about a top I preferred whilst shopping. I didn’t know at the time I was rejecting the opinion of a caregiver and that this rejection triggered a personal rage within them. THEIR unhealed wound. I learnt very quickly that my opinion would cause me trouble.

If such events happen again and again over time, your body stores every experience and trauma. I felt humiliated when I was told off in public inside the store. I felt alone and abandoned for the two weeks afterwards when I was shut out and ignored. I was 9 at this time.

It took until the age of 30 and a few controlling relationships later to realise I was appeasing everyone in my adulthood too.

Does this resonate with you?

Unfortunately, sometimes it takes a seriously toxic relationship and significant emotional harm for you to realise this is the case.

Finding myself escaping that manipulation and control, as a single mother at 30 years old, I decided that day in my bedroom that I had no choice but to learn for myself HOW to know who I was and never lose myself again.

HOW CAN YOU DO THIS?

Somatic Healing.

Mind and body releasing exercises and tools to help you rediscover yourself, release old wounds and move forward with strong values, boundaries, wants, desires and an unshakable CONFIDENCE in yourself again.

There are many techniques that can help you achieve this.

Today, I wish to share with you 2 tips to help you get started.

TIP 1 — MASSAGE

One of the hardest things to do after years of people pleasing, is believing that you and your body are worth the time and expense of true indulgent self-care.

However, Trauma is not just stored in the mind, but within our body too. It is not a luxury to receive massage but an essential tool for helping your nervous system release stored tension, pain and trauma.

I remember walking into the treatment room and just asking my Therapist to ‘rub it out of me.’ She knew exactly what I meant.

This time, was my time to heal and release in the safe hands of a professional who I felt a great empathic connection with.

Your mind, body and soul is worth this time and investment.

Just choose a great one!

TIP 2 — LEARN HOW TO DATE YOURSELF…FOREVER!

What is dating yourself?

After abuse, we must learn how to detach our value from past individuals and learn how to truly enjoy our own company.

Our value in this world comes only from the inside. Our own personal opinion of ourselves and how we treat ourselves.

How can we ever know and explore this, if we don’t know how to live, explore, travel and visit places by ourselves?

I decided to dedicate an entire YEAR to dating myself. I had already been single on and off for quite a few years, so this wasn’t a commitment to just be single…this was a commitment to prioritise and find time for me to do things for myself and by myself for an entire year. No talking/dating to others. Just me.

It was hard.

At first, when I was out in public spaces, I found myself feeling anxious, close to not going at all. Feelings of boredom whilst by myself, worried about others thinking I was a loner. I often took a book with me so I could at least look busy. I was never reading the book. I was hiding behind it, wishing I didn’t need it.

It felt tempting to give in and fall back into the pattern of talking online to others to fill the void and avoid facing myself.

But we don’t become the best version of ourselves unless we brave feeling uncomfortable with ourselves.

Finally, the FOREVER part of this commitment…NEVER STOP dating yourself, even when you find your next love. Especially when you find your next love.

Our self-worth and confidence can only ever be found, cared for and protected within ourselves.

We must never attach our identity to other external sources. One day, those sources may not and realistically won’t be there, so what then?

Our identity, passion and purpose in life is our responsibility to discover.

So get yourself reconnected back to you physically and emotionally. This is Somatic Healing.

If this resonated with you and you’d love to learn more about Somatic Techniques, explore my website and sign up to my coaching letters here at: www.sjtherapies.com/becomeapowerfulwomanaligned

Always,

Sam xo